what am i afraid of? why can't i seem to go across the street until it's dark. Why? Oh god why? I know there is nothing to fear, that i can think up now but what stops me from actually doing it? Could it really be agoraphobia? Have I damaged myself this much, this isn't me? Who am I? I know everything I'm not. All this questions and Only I can answer them? Do you think the same? REFLECTION TIME. What will I do? Weakness is boiling my brains and what do I have to lose? Nothing because what do I have nothing? I'm not ready to pass by my own hands, It has to be on my own terms, whether I am ready or not, but I'm not afraid to die. Can't I write/type quicker, my thoughts are going to fast for me to catch them and when I do it's not the same thought it once was. My stomach is feeling warm, and things are going, I'm listening to tmv, some show at the electric ballroom from a few years ago and things sometimes slow down and then speed up (not the music, my mind). I doubt much will happen. I feel hot and then cold, I better turn on the heater. But if it does work, and on this cold day in hell it takes me down, I'm not angry. I'm so hung up on the woman I love and I'm not good enough for her and I know this and it's painfully obvious. Who was I to think I could throw everything away like I've done. I just had pretty much everything I wanted at one time and now I just have what's in front up me. Stream of consciousness. Feeling slightly drunk. The things I love it's often difficult to do, so many unfinished thoughts and plans put aside for the sake of what? Nothing, it doesn't have a meaning and I'm just lost, I. There's not much around, blasted in my shell. Don't edit that. Concise, clear I am not. What I am now I am not that. Don't read it until later. Just going on.. and on about what I am not. I have no desire except for my hang-up. And now it's just suffering because I don't know her and I'm just a pain in her ass in everyone's ass apparently. Nothing going for me but I refuse to die. Refuse. I reject it now but what will I say tomorrow. If that's not sad I don't know what is. I care and then the moment later I don't. Did i forget to breathe? I hope not, that's not a good sign. Settling in, feeling fine, heart rate a little up there but I can manage.