Sly C - Vano & Xano

I've never lost so much in a week. I am glad that I can speak and say that though. Because I should be dead. There are no excuses for my actions, just reasons. If those reasons sounds like excuses, then just call me crazy.

To live in a delusional world where everything is fine and you can see no limit. For things slowly coming upon that you can't realize that their will have to be an end time to all things.

I saw this coming, but I still didn't care, now that I'm not working again. I have to find some place else. Where I don't know, it's just going to make me angry as the next.

I've also lost a friend or many, I can't seem to remember much anymore, I don't think you'd want to either.

From the beginning she was a great person to be around, that changed pretty quick and there's no normal explanation why, then she got harsh but still wanted to use me and I used her. I've never seen so much violence in a woman before; repeatedly slapping your face and getting this strange look in their eye that might explain what happened to them in a previous life. It was an amazing display of anger not meant for directly me but for what men had done to her. I was her punching bag. The scary thing about it, is that I didn't care because it didn't bother me because I care strangely for this person.

From the moment I saw her; she smiled with abandon although briefly and we went back to working. I didn't speak with her for maybe a week or two after that, and when I did, we talked smiled and laughed about the many things we'd loved, then her boyfriend came to pick her up. She was an artist at one time, a lover of music, with a jovial care free personality. I say one time, because well it seems something went wrong horribly somewhere. Eventually I would undertsand how care-free. Our first conversations were awefully short; when first talking to her intent was to get a little studio to stay in alone, understandably she got roped into moving in with her boyfriends parents. At that point I think we began spending more time at work together. Lunch began to fly by and then lunch time wasn't enough time to enjoy ourselves together.

She began to tell me of her problems of constraints, that she wanted to be free to hang out with her friends and be herself. The more she would complain, the more I would sympathize. I offered my advice, oft telling her that she had the choice to make her self happy and it was up to her to make the decision to do it for herself. Then I unknowningly offered my action and then as it became apparent I felt more obligated to help her out from under, all while naively burying myself. I became merely a pawn and I didn't mind so, it was nice to have someone close.

Her then boyfriend of a few months had seen us talking at work and became threatened of my presence, he'd went through her e-mail's we'd exchanged and thus sent a message to me, to stay away from her. I wrote that I would not interfere with their relationship. For a few days I stayed away, and soon enough we were talking again. As I look back I think she wanted it to happen, possibly she wanted the excuse so she wouldn't have to sever it herself. She had made arrangements after work to come and hang out with me. We listened to music, she lay on my bed, she asked me to play my music which I'd had shown her previously, I went on and picked up a guitar and played one of the most beautiful pieces I have ever created, using loop live loops and a voilin bow. I was amazed at that creation and saddened because it will never be created again. I was convinced that she brought out something in me I hadn't had, confidence. We listened to more music & then I took her to her grand parents where her boyfriend picked her up. Sly cunt, she set that up well.

On another occassion, she came over, she had lied again to get away from him. This time I was tempted by her aroma, beauty and her wide eyes, she was very natural and didn't wear perfume or make-up. I felt comfortably relaxed. We lay next to each other. I could feel her warmth radiating through her clothes and I not yet touching her; took that as inviting. I, up and move to my desk to change the music and to rethink what I was going to do next, she's sitting up now. I turn and lean into her and gently brush my lips against hers. I brush her face with my hand and run down the side of her clothed body, next thing her dress is pulled up and I'm taking care of her with my hand and kissing her chest. Then she ask to let her return the favor. She takes off the rest of her clothes on all fours on my bed, proceeds to remove my trousers. I standing, look down and see a black hair and a panther on her back her left shoulder as she gyrates her head toward my mid section. I'm taking too long, she's getting tired. I tell her to lay on the edge of the bed and grab both of her legs. Her natural beauty was attractive and soft and smelled of nothing but sweetness. I came all over her sweet stomach and my legs went weak. It was time for some air and a ciggarette. This was just the beginning of a multitude of mistakes, I would make in the next couple of months.

Mistakes must be made, but you must learn from them or they just remain. She was able to show/exploit things about myself, that I was physically strong, I should have confidence in art, emotionally weak, was too serious and looked too deeply into alot of things. We had nights on the the town anyone would envy. I always thought she was a ghost, someone here to teach me something no matter how harsh the outcome would be. I knew she wouldn't be around for very long, but nevertheless we kept on seeing each other. We had never defined ourselves as together but we were synonymous. I loved and wanted to help her because she wasn't happy and I thought I could change that, she deserved much more then she was giving herself. She still does deserve better then she treats herself, she has a lot of problems and she may never help herself. I was wrong if I thought I could change that.

I think I'm missing some other crazy moments, like when she went to Vegas on some random Saturday on the back of a motorcyle with some moron. She calls me sunday from vegas to tell me that she feels like shit, she's super scared and doesn't know if she can hang on to the back of the bike. Being the punching bag that I am, tell her to call me when she gets back into town to let me know she'd made it. I go and pick her up and she lays in my bed and goes to sleep, she would stay with me for the next two weeks.



Labor day weekend we voyaged to the mountains, I had rented a room with a jacuzzi and it was beautiful. When we got there, I had never seen someone so happy, and that made me happy to give that. We shared a wonderful dinner and a nice evening walk back to the chalet. We made love and took a bath together and went to bed. We awoke early the next morning took a shower and got ready. We drove around the lake looking for this place for coffee but it had been closed down, after all the driving we settled on a german diner right across from the chalet. A wonderful breakfast. It was time to come back down the hill. Instead of coming down the hill I took her to another lake and we had tea overlooking the lake, walked around the shops. It was only noon by now. The day was moving along I get calls that there is a couple of functions to attend. We somehow made both of them. By night fall , I was trashed she was trashed and we still wanted more. We went looking for a place for her to dance but it was closed being the holiday weekend, so we came back to my house and that's when the violence started. She wanted to go home but I couldn't drive I realized and I shouldn't have been driving earlier in the day. She started walking and I guess some guys yelled at her and tried to pick her up she got scared and called me. She wanted to come back, I went out and I brought her back. I think she walked away twice and both times I picked her up, each time I'd picked her up going in either direction. When we got back, she slapped me over and over and gave me a fat lip, she was mad that I let her go out there. She was out of control and It was her choice. We fell asleep shortly thereafter and I took her home in the morning.

That next tuesday, we go to the club and go super indulgent, she gets taken advantage or something by some guy who takes her into some room and fucks her in the ass, and she hates it. I don't know what really happened, but I didn't find out until she told me the next day. She was in pain, she couldn't sit right. That was a sad morning for me, but I still wanted to be close to her and help her. I felt bad for her still. Why was I not angry? I guess I already know she is out of control.

We'd tried to break it off she went off on a date and what could I say? You're not mine, I don't possess you. I wasn't mad, maybe a little hurt though. OK, I can move on. No she calls me a few days later and wants to hang out, tells me she's been listening to a song that we made as our analogy for our "relationship". (it actually should be the whole album, Evol - Sonic Youth) The irony is baffling. It was on one day and the next was strange. I thought it could get no stranger.

On an off time, my friend had decided to go to a club and I decided to go along with him. She calls me while we are having dinner, telling me how much she wants to see me and wants me to go (the same club). I feel taken back, and tell her I might go. I see her there and she runs to me and everything is well for this portion of the night. The club closes but my friends still want to party. She calls me and I'm down the street and wants to hang out, what can this hurt? She picks me up from sav-on's and we go to pick up the greens, my friends go to get benzedrex and food. We meet up at D's studio. D's friend Jay gets her to get naked, starts taking off her clothes. I'm just sitting there, I'm not angry, more awe shocked. So there she is sitting bettween me and jay stark naked. It was nice and strange. I made out with her and sucked her nipples, then jay made out with her. Again She wasn't mine, I wasn't with her. Though I should have been protecting her a bit though, that what I think she's always wanted. Though she doesn't really know what she wants when it comes to men, she loves the attention.

We started to make a habit of going to certain bar on Sunday's, that was most enjoyable every time. Nothing bad could ever happen there and it didn't. By an odd chance when we were not talking, she happened to show up at this place as I was outside and she walked me past me just staring at me with a smile and it started. The next few Sundays were good except when I'd been drinking all day and I picked her up and I drank way too much, we were gonna go out to eat after and that didn't happen when she didn't want to pay for my dinner after I paid for her drinks, so I took her home and dropped her off.

The final straw (I hope) is by my own doing. I went to El torito with some friends from where I used to work and proceeded to get hammered. I drank I don't know how many and I called her. She was more than happy to join me. We had a few more drinks there then went to the club and I barely remember the club. I talked to all kinds of people though and some girl even got me to dance. I vaguely remember driving home, except I don't remember hitting some curb and the back tire was flat and the car was jerking. I pulled in the garage, and went to bed. when I awoke the next morning.... there was hell to pay. My door was taken apart, I was still in my clothes & I had twenty missed calls. She had given me her keys to hold and her jacket. She had to get somebody to bring her back her, break into my room to get her keys. She tells me about her jacket with her drivers license and I can't find it. I go into work half drunk and they send me home for wearing jeans. I didn't go back after that. I gave her 30 bucks for the jacket and 10 for her license, I've lost my job because I was so upset and proceeded to try to kill myself for the next 3 days. When That didn't work. I went to the doctor, They didn't seem too much like they wanted to help or that I had a problem. I called the clinic Sunday then I called Monday and I was terminated from my job. I went and spent all day at the clinic and finally decided that I can help myself. Coffee & cigarettes and jogging and riding and playing and writing. Now it's time to pick up the pieces.